Humor – George Blamey-Steeden

‘NO-BELL PRIZE’ FOR DOOR KNOCKERS

‘No-Bell Prize Winner 2014’
Artist Unknown

A confession. This is true. When I was a kid about 5 or 6 years old I remember my parents talking about the Nobel Prize. At the time I didn’t really take in what they were talking about. To me it sounded like it was a prize awarded to people who had an extra special type of door knocker instead of a door bell (as in ‘No-Bell’ Prize – although to me it should always have been called the ‘Door Knocker’ Prize). For the next few years I checked out door knockers in order to see if there were any candidates for the award where we lived. I lived in hope my parents might just buy a door knocker like no other. Of course, it never happened. What a waste of my time. Sure, I felt a bit stupid when years later I found out that Nobel Prizes are selected across 6 categories, Literature, Economy, Physiology or Medicine, Physics, Chemistry and Peace. No door knockers at all.

This story came back to haunt me this summer in France. A mate of mine was telling everyone that his sister was about to marry this professor bloke. Apparently he’s a great bloke and my mate added, “Man, has he got one big brain.” That had me thinking so I asked if the professor had a really big head to cope with his great big brain. I was being serious. I genuinely thought the professor would be a sniper’s dream. That’s when everyone fell about laughing. They had to explain to me why they were laughing. A sad moment.

Anyhow, I’ve always been a bit like on the logical front hence when I was 16 I wrote one of my first ever ‘proper’ songs. A song about myself. It’s never been anything more than just a demo recording, yet just for the fun of it here it is. First the lyrics, then below the song itself. It’s called ‘Ants in Awkward Places’. I hope you enjoy

ANTS IN AWKWARD PLACES

I’m blind to all that’s going on around me
Blind to all the secrets others share
Blind to all the politics of people
To me most things get lost into thin air

I got a monkey on my back
I got a monster under my bed
I got ants in awkward places
I got confusion in my head

So how come I get this strangest feeling
Every time the end game closes in
If I deliver up my deepest feelings
You’d see my heart is only made of tin

There’s more to life than endless celebration
More to life than gambling and champagne
More to life than the rituals of living
More to life than this most curious game

I got a monkey on my back
I got a monster under my bed
I got ants in awkward places
I got confusion in my head

All my songs are available as albums and/or single tracks via the below;

If you are interested in anything from the Zoolon music related merchandise or clothing range then click this link MERCHANDISE & CLOTHING

OVER THE TOP

^My pal Adam celebrating his victory^

I put a pic of me just about to lose a game of pool on the blog a couple of posts back (see below for a repeat performance). What I’d forgotten at the time was that I had with me at the point of my defeat, my Go-Pro. That’s how I got to make the GIF of him celebrating his victory immediately after sinking the black ball. A bit over the top – uncalled for even – I thought. Anyhow, I hope it gets a few laughs!

THE THREE WISE PEOPLE

shape of water

Still frame from ‘The Shape of Water’

‘The drowning shoe’

Listening to the old bloke in front of me in the inevitable post office queue having a bit of a rant I was thinking, ‘that’s not entirely accurate’. What he was saying to the even older bloke in front was, “I’ve heard it all now.” The other bloke says, “What?” The original bloke says, “Bloody feminists. They’ve even had ‘Gingerbread Men’ renamed ‘Gingerbread People’ in Scotland. It’s the law there now.” I could have intervened and corrected him as what actually happened was that the Scottish Parliament staff have been banned from saying gingerbread ‘man’ at their Holyrood coffee shop because it’s not gender neutral and that they have renamed them ‘Gingerbread People’. I said nothing because I wasn’t that interested until it all went surreal.

The old bloke upping the rant level says, “They’ll stop at nothing.” The even older bloke says, “Who?” causing Mr Rant to add – again – “The bloody feminists,” then back on his rant, “Mark my words, they’ll ruin Christmas for me. Stuff the three wise men, it’ll be the three wise people following yonder bloody star. I know that as a fact. Next on their list will be Manchester United. ‘Man U’ will become ‘People U’ soon enough. A ‘manhole cover’ will be a ‘peoplehole cover’, even the bloody ‘paperboy’ will be called ‘paperpeople’” – pause for thought then he corrects himself – “More like ‘paperperson’ probably. Anyway, I’m sick of it.”

Wow, a ‘paper person’. People made out of paper! Just hearing that concept made my listening in to the conversation worthwhile. My random thought process kicked in. Living beings made out of paper by the magic of origami, then off they go delivering newspapers. Big concept. Rainy day concerns.

Whatever, Mr Rant hadn’t finished yet. “We’ll get them back. I’m going to rename Ladybirds as Peoplebirds and bloody Custard Tarts can be Custard People. That’ll learn them.” The other bloke says, “Who?” indicating to me that his attention span wasn’t all that. Mr Rant, after a massive sigh of despair says, “The bloody feminists, that’s who.”

When he got there, the cropped hair muscular lady who never takes prisoners who sits behind the counter lasered him with her eyes.

It’s a pity the bloke didn’t come to the boil talking about all the serious stuff 2018 has thrown at us. It’s a long list of tragedy as we all know.

New subject. I’ve been checking the stats for my music across all platforms for 2018. It’s been a good year and lately some good offers have come my way. Anyhow, I ended up with a list of the most popular numbers in terms of listens and downloads. This one, ‘Dream Rescuer’ from the album of the same name was number 4 in the list. Here’s a taster of the lyric, underneath that is the song itself. I hope you enjoy;

DREAM RESCUER

You rescued dreams

And nightmare schemes

Spinning around inside your head

You kept them in your diary

A book you said you never read

Come morning

Come daylight

You’re lost in time

A dream you dared to dream…..

No. 3 was ‘Rexie Believes in Magic’; No. 2 was ‘Tick Tock’ and No. 1 ‘The Sunlight & The Dust’.

By the way, if you get bored of the rubbish Christmas TV I avoid like the plague then have a watch of the movie ‘The Shape of Water’ if you can. Amazing. It’s got everything. Film noir flavour; great acting – especially Sally Hawkins who left me wanting to be the alien under water with her; a story that builds like a good song should; clever retro soundtrack; weird love/romance; a chunk of Sci-Fi. Can’t say anymore without ruining it. It is a work of art.

Thanks for your support. Have a great Festive Season & New Year. Enjoy ~ Zoolon aka George

‘THE WORDS & THOUGHTS OF A DYSLEXIC MUSICIAN’

zoolon cover draft 4 (Cover art by Rachel Carrera)

I was going to give this book the title, ‘Things That Happen to Me When I Glaze Over’ or ‘Pieces of Me’. Both of those were more or less accurate but, in the end, I decided upon ‘The Words & Thoughts of a Dyslexic Musician’ because that is what it is; that’s what I am.

Not a novel nor a book of poetry, it’s a collection of stories about the odd things that seem to happen to me on any average day, and things I’ve thought of or noticed when I’m not asleep. Also, I wanted a home for some of my favourite lyrics for songs I’ve written – some from my back catalogue plus others in raw form waiting in the wings for a melody – as well as a place for a few of the photographs I’ve been taking since I got the camera bug.

The main reason I went for ‘The Words & Thoughts of a Dyslexic Musician’ is because that’s the simple truth. Maybe I should have added ‘Colour-blind’ to the title because that’s a truth as well. The problem was it made the title too long.

Anyway, here it is. My book. Dyslexia might be a nuisance I could do without, but ‘words’ come for free, and besides they don’t just belong to those who haven’t got trouble reading them, so basically nothing is impossible – well maybe me spelling without a spell-check, buttering toast, understanding road signs written in Walloon or spending a whole day in the body of say, a wildebeest just to get a feel for what it’s like being one. Those thing are impossible.

zoolon back cover

Rachel who did all the cover art and a whole lot more can be found – not that I’m saying she’s wandered off and got lost, or she’s in hiding or even kidnapped or anything like that – at Rachel Carrera

Here’s Zoolon’s links to Amazon UK for both the Kindle and Paperback versions of my book;

The Words & Thoughts of a Dyslexic Musician by Zoolon

Also, the paperback and Kindle versions are available by typing in ZOOLON in Amazon worldwide.

Thanks for reading, Zoolon aka George and I’ll sign off with a piece of music I composed called, ‘Prohibition’. I hope you enjoy;

‘AVIDITY’ – YOUR POEM PUT TO SONG

‘Too Good to be True?’ – unknown sculptor

I’ve just returned from the Walloon region of Belgium where – at least I think I’m right – every word in the local dialect begins with a ‘Z’ and most words have at least 72 syllables and the letter ‘B’ is a rare inclusion. Odd and hardly dyslexic friendly. It doesn’t help that I’m a certified 100% dyslexic. However, I did learn one of the rare – seriously rare – shorter words. ‘Zeezult’. It means ‘sea salt’ in English. I know it’s definition is ‘sea salt’ because it was written on the side of a salt cellar and I worked it out for myself – 10 out of 10 for me for once! Sadly, I only got to learn just this one – not that useful on a day to day basis – word, unless I was (according to Wiki) ‘seeking to stabilize irregular heartbeats’. It would have helped if I could have read or spoken Walloon a bit. I got some – well at least I thought they were – anti-allergy tablets there but have since found out the hard (?) way that they were Walloon laxatives. The girl with a perma grin in the pharmacy didn’t speak English so I ordered using hand gestures. I guess I used the wrong ones, or maybe she was just having a laugh. Not good.

Anyhow, the reason I’m posting today is much more important than my lack of fluency in Walloon. Recently, the talented poet Vivian Zems commissioned me to put one of her poems to song per my ‘Your Poetry to Song’ product – see left of screen for the link.

Here’s her new song ‘Avidity’ I composed and put together using Vivian’s poem, followed by a reprise of another of Vivian’s poems I turned into song from a while back called, ‘Older & Wiser’. I hope you enjoy the both of them;

Vivian is a seriously accomplished poet and can be found at Smell The Coffee

ZOOLON’S NEW SHIRT

french connection

The faithful Strat needed new strings, so I went to the city to buy some. I was on my way back to the car when I saw the ‘20% OFF’ sign in the window of the French Connection store. They sell OK shirts so I bought one. After I’d paid for it the girl at the counter put it in one of their posh bags for me. Nothing out of the ordinary there, except looking at the bag I couldn’t help but ask why it had dead bodies printed on one side (see above). The counter girl said, “Do What?” so I pointed to the pic on the side of the bag.

She has a good think, then says, “I think they’re just asleep.”

I say, “That’s what my mum told me when the dog was put down. Besides, they still look dead to me.”

“No, they’re just asleep.” I think she was anxious for me to leave.

A little further up the road is the street market. They sell all sorts of stuff there. As I was walking toward the fruit & veg stall I couldn’t help but spot two of the perfectly formed girls who work the stall each holding an, ‘Easy Peelers’ sign. My random thoughts were in overdrive, until I realised that the signs related to the mass of small oranges on the stall and definitely not for what I was thinking.

This week I found myself writing a lot of lines about death and guns. Out of respect I won’t make this a song, at least not until the time feels right. Here’s just a few of the less angry verses. You’ll get the drift.

THE 59

Old Boy Wonder, with a shotgun

Stood where angels charge top rates

And dollar’s change hands in gaming machines

In the land of many States

The ones he killed don’t want your pity

Be they queens, or babes, or nuns

Or heterosexual alpha men

With penis extensions in the shape of guns

Politicians look the other way

Bank rolling firearm sponsorships

They quote the 2nd Amendment

Another name for apocalypse

I apologize in advance to my American friends. It’s nothing personal. It’s just my hate of guns and pointless death whether it’s in the US, UK or any place else.

Time for a bit of music. I’ve a whole mass of new music coming soon, but for the moment one of mine called ‘Time Out’ from the album. Just a short piece that fits my mood right now;

Next a tribute cover of Cohen’s ‘Famous Blue Raincoat’ from magical Aurora. If you don’t know her work, I suggest you try it out. She’s very good.

ZOOLON’S FRENCH TRIP

Having just returned from a spectacularly hot France I thought I’d share a few random thoughts that hit me while I was there. But first, to set the French scene a bit of music, Serge Gainsbourg and Brigitte Bardot singing ‘Un Jour Comme Un Autre’. For reasons unknown, I like this number;

fontainbleau3

This is a statue in the Palace of Fontainebleau just outside of Paris. I was told that normally you must queue for ages to get in the place. What with the high temperature the day I visited (40 degrees Centigrade; 104 Fahrenheit) very few people/tourists had been stupid enough to go out and about, except me. No queues at all.

While I was standing looking at the statue an older American bloke was stood next to me. We stood together vacantly staring at it. It was then that the American asked me what I thought the statue of the girl with multiple breasts was all about. In my mind, I was guessing it might be a representation of some Greek Goddess, but I didn’t mention that. All I said was, “I think she’s the one who went down in history as the most successful wet-nurse of all time.” He just nodded in agreement then let me know his wife was about three rooms back still reading the notes on what was in each room and that he was bored out of his brains. Nice guy. We got on well.

provins

Monoprix is a French retail chain. Having run nearly out of toilet paper where I was staying I popped into the branch in a town called Provins (a beautiful old medieval town I would strongly recommend to anyone). The place sells pretty much everything yet after looking everywhere and then some, I couldn’t find toilet paper. I discovered that they didn’t sell it. Why? I mean they sold everything else you might need for a bathroom or loo. This could mean only one thing, namely that the residents of Provins are all morbidly constipated.

fontainbleau4

French chateaux and palaces major on ceilings like this one from Fontainebleau. I rarely look up. But this one (the photo shows only a little part of it) did catch my eye. The gold plating is the genuine stuff. The sad thing was I didn’t have a ladder, a wallpaper scraper and a bag with ‘SWAG’ written on it with me at the time as there was a small fortune to be made what with the room being empty save for me.

fontainebleau5

Here’s another Fontainebleau shot. It shows the last ‘royal throne’ left in all of France. Looking at it the thought struck me that it was a good thing the English King, Henry VIII wasn’t French as likely his larger than average bum wouldn’t have fitted it, and even if some of his servants had shoehorns on them and had manoeuvred him down onto the throne he would have ended up stuck in it. Vive la France!

By the way, here’s link to my new album, ‘DREAM RESCUER’. It costs not much, and is available worldwide. If you fancy buying it and feel able to post a review on Bandcamp, I’d appreciate it.

https://zoolon.bandcamp.com/album/dream-rescuer

Also, the Zoolon Audio website it is at www.zoolonaudio.com